Third Date: The Bartender (wherein I prove that I really am that easy)

I decided to add a chapter to my online dating saga on my mostly forsaken other blog, if you’d like to check it out.


Looking back from the lofty vantage point of hindsight, this date was doomed from the start. First of all, Syd was everything I find hot in a woman. Although she wasn’t taller than me (and really, that was an unrealistic goal), she was strong, chiseled, had perfect post-Beiber hair, exquisite fashion sense, and was pretty close to my age.

We met at a romantic restaurant of her choosing after speaking on the phone a couple of times. She told me, with no small degree of machismo, that she wanted to be in charge of planning the evening, and treat me “like a lady should be treated.” I know, I know, but that’s what you get when you’re into forty-something masculine identified women! Anyway, I thought it was sexy at the time.

Fast forward to a Friday night in winter. I was on-call. My kids were with their other mom that…

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Part 5: Found


skip ahead three decades
and you will find her,
calm and filled with wonder
her hands having become tools;
fingertips alive with a seventh sense
able to feel the barest palimpsest
engraved in dark places

the journey has been long
and she is tired,
having released many incarnations of her soul
to create this opus:

the angry girl burst
and disappeared
after she forgave herself;

the scholar dove,
swimming like breathing,
on instinct;

the lover was troublesome,
with a penchant for rescuing broken souls
thereafter enabling all manner
of bad behavior
for which she paid dearly;

becoming a mother healed her,
for in mothering her children,
she mothered herself;

within the mess of life and release,
she grew her spirit
until one midsummer day,
she awoke,

tears streamed down her cheeks,
not of sorrow,
for she was love,
in its purest form

her soul vibrated,
rippling over her dear one,
asleep beside her,
caressing her two
beautiful boys

she felt everything;
she crackled with life,
and would have roared with it
had it been morning,

she awoke
to the present


she is calm and filled with wonder
for life is love
and love is life
and she has found her place
in both.

1Sagefemme All Rights Reserved 2017


they hiked to a secret place,
if you can call a forest pool
known to all the kids in town

in the fleeting heat of summer
the still, deep pool appeared
amid rapids and gnarling
forest branches
creatively dubbed
“hot rocks”
for obvious reasons
some generations before

it was a lazy summer sport,
hiking with beer
throwing down wet bodies
onto hot rocks
or each other
jumping into the frigid water,
laughter and screams through the quiet rainforest

until Jesse jumped
diabetic Jesse who was drunk
like the rest of them
and his mortal, adolescent heart
just stopped
searing this memory
ever after
of CPR and sweat
and the twins screaming
Jesse Jesse Jesse

there were no cell phones then
only miles to run hauling
ghost Jesse
to the beat-up pickup
and then the loss
of time

fast forward to
Sophie dressed in black
without crying,
reading poetry
for Jesse
her first love
not knowing how my heart broke
for her,
my own first love,
how I had always wished
to be Jesse

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today my chest tightens
meditation fails
anticipation like ice
creaks into blood and bones,
a meeting;
my gifted child
at five
contemplates the face
of god
at eight it’s punnett squares
for bedtime chatter,
so today, today
i will sit across from her,
the one who left,
the charismatic liar
the drinker
who stole more
than money
and discuss this child
and she will smile,
call me by an old, old
lover’s name
and pretend
like always,
to be human

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outside the spectrum

just outside the spectrum
of visible light,
the child spins, arms hanging,
not helicopter-like…
gazing up, and right,
in the direction of his spiraling

the mother casts his name,
luring him back;
siren mother singing
her absent son

the child hears all
and everything
his name a murmur
buzzing bee-like;
an annoyance
he ignores

the child laughs
and returns,
hugs the mother,
looking up into her softening face,
proclaiming “I love you,”

she asks him where he went
but he was nowhere
and everywhere
all his senses more
and bigger
and oh, so much brighter
than hers
he was feeling the whispers
of laughter on his skin,
the old monster,
attacking his toes
and all the while wondering
if he had saved enough allowance
for a new video game,

there, in the half light,
the child blinks in and out
of existence
tethered by love
ready to fly away…
the mother whispering
prayers to Whoever
that the boy will grow

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I wake from easy dreams
Mind slowly coalescing into the memory of
Stunning and funny
Sweet and charming
Smart and fragile
My heart
Bursting open so unexpectedly
With hope and fear
Pulse throbbing longing
Through my veins
To be a real thing
To be what you seem
To be more than a dream

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yawned and
g   a  p  e  d
swallowed lives
easy as inhaling

she was


fingers frozen into
question marks
she felt


her face knew the act
nod and smile
an automaton
murmuring reassurance
singing lullabies
forever and forever
calling into the wind


she hid the


of her soul
until whispers
her malaise


she blinked,
her image
once more.

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not lost, buried
behind a supermarket in the suburbs
shed like skin
crevasses searching
for signs of life
lying awake, in the dark
listening to the beating heart of life
waiting for the call
of sun and sparrow
when tendrils burst
from sidewalks and parking lots

shattered hope
scattered earthward
waits out winter
and watches
not lost,
only buried

awaken now,
as green and gold reprimand
strong as love
and dandelions
to turn away

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in the long shadow of dawn

my heart
skips and flutters
pebbles across turbulent waves
then sinks
deep deep
landing in a hot pit
not exactly despair
heightened senses scanning,
nostrils twitching,
scenting predators,
don’t fail me now
I am fight
I am flight
wishing for wings
to spread across the landscape
to shield my own
to fly us into the horizon
but escape is a fairy tale
I tell my children
as we crouch in the shadows
watching wolves

1SageFemme All Rights Reserved 2016